When I first moved to California--it was so different then from where I came from. The sites, the sounds, the smells--heck, even the people. I was stuck in a hotel for probably a good two weeks before we found somewhere to go and I rented a room. It was in Bonita, CA and what I loved most about it was the fact that I could always see planes going by--never really heard it but I could always sit by the window and look out over the sky. We were far up on a hill so you could see for miles around. Tiger, my cat...she would roam around on the roof and take a peek. I had always wondered if she would try to actually get out of the room but I was not for sure. This is where I met Omar...he was my roommate. I do miss and long for those days when love was fun and not so painful. We used to sit there at the window between the two rooms and talk to each other, sometimes very late. One of my most fondest memories of us was one night we actually went to the store--bought a blanket and went to the winged park---we laid down on the blanket and cuddled and just looked at the stars. I should have known at the moment that something was odd--his adopted mom called right in the middle of that moment and he said he had to answer it. I told him to just tell her that I was with him and he told me know because he didn't want her to know. I was hurt---but in a way understood and never asked again about it. I enjoyed going to movies with him, talking to him and of course the typical love kissy stuff that I won't talk about here.

But those memories are so long gone. And it hurts so when I think about them. So when does your heart stop hurting and start reaching forward? When will my chest stop aching with some much pain for someone that has no care for how I'm feeling? Or maybe he hurts just as bad as I do, but instead of crying he hides it in anger and pain. It is funny though, how when we are hurting the most we seemed to be the most anger or most set off on things. The littlest tip of the motion can set you off in a frenzy--and sometimes that is what happens. However, I can't stop looking back and wanting that love again---is it him that I want or the love feeling and how do I distinguish between the two? When will I long for the future of someone else without having him in the picture?

There was this guy at work--I like him, but he is so very quiet and aloof. I got up the nerve to ask him to go to a movie and he gave me every excuse in the book and I just finally gave up. It makes me feel like I'll never find anyone. I guess I should not be worried since the divorce is not final--I haven't quite filed but this time there will be no turning back. The clock has been set and the tables have turned.

But tonight I opened the blinds to a full blown window as I sit here at the laptop pouring my heart out and crying...thinking back to a time when love felt so good and didn't hurt so bad. Wishing that I could just for once have that feeling again---reaching back once again when I should be reaching forward.