•9:15 PM
There was once a time when my step father actually punched a hole into the wall of our house. It was drywall, so he must have been really upset to do it. My mom placed this little heart decorative thing over it to hide it, but my sister and I knew it was there. I was not actually in the room when I was there to see if it was really my step dad, for all I know now...it could have been my mom.
If I could give anything right now, it would be to go back in time and be a kid again. I don't like being an adult, I don't like the uncertainty of how people treat you, not knowing what the next day will hold and I look at my children and not knowing that is really lurking in the background. I think I might have made too quick of a decision this past week and it has put me in a bind. At the time I am wondering if I let my emotions get the best of me, which for all of us this does happen at the time. I think this was brewing though, a long awaited thing to the point where I just couldn't take it anymore and made the call. I didn't expect the outcome, or maybe I did because I just wanted a way out. The girls and I have to move by October 5th. I don't know where or how things will go, but I am praying for something. There is nothing I can do though, there is a deeper fear here that I don't want to even say in this blog. I pray please my dear Lord, protect us. I know not what I do and right now I feel very alone because if anything, I wish I could give the girls up to a better home because obviously it is not me that is meant for them. I'm too hot headed at times and it has now put them in a position that I never wanted. I don't know what is the truth right now or the lies, I just am moving and moving along to nothing. So very tired..
You know right before a rainstorm it gets very cloudy and dark. The storm begins to build up and the pressure just gets too immense. Maybe life is like a thunderstorm. It's nice and sunny for awhile but if you let it all build up, eventually it will grow. Grow until the point where it has to crackle and thunder to let people know that something is wrong and it needs to be released. Then with a giant gush and thunder it swirls about it's pain and fury...and then at the end of it all, another sunny day.
If I could give anything right now, it would be to go back in time and be a kid again. I don't like being an adult, I don't like the uncertainty of how people treat you, not knowing what the next day will hold and I look at my children and not knowing that is really lurking in the background. I think I might have made too quick of a decision this past week and it has put me in a bind. At the time I am wondering if I let my emotions get the best of me, which for all of us this does happen at the time. I think this was brewing though, a long awaited thing to the point where I just couldn't take it anymore and made the call. I didn't expect the outcome, or maybe I did because I just wanted a way out. The girls and I have to move by October 5th. I don't know where or how things will go, but I am praying for something. There is nothing I can do though, there is a deeper fear here that I don't want to even say in this blog. I pray please my dear Lord, protect us. I know not what I do and right now I feel very alone because if anything, I wish I could give the girls up to a better home because obviously it is not me that is meant for them. I'm too hot headed at times and it has now put them in a position that I never wanted. I don't know what is the truth right now or the lies, I just am moving and moving along to nothing. So very tired..
You know right before a rainstorm it gets very cloudy and dark. The storm begins to build up and the pressure just gets too immense. Maybe life is like a thunderstorm. It's nice and sunny for awhile but if you let it all build up, eventually it will grow. Grow until the point where it has to crackle and thunder to let people know that something is wrong and it needs to be released. Then with a giant gush and thunder it swirls about it's pain and fury...and then at the end of it all, another sunny day.
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