Sometimes in my life I wish I could just take a magic wand and change the way things are. When I begin to think these thoughts, it is then that God seems to step in and show me that I am not always in control. Believing in him and myself is sometimes the toughest thing I have to do as even still I am a shattered self in many ways.

It has been almost two months without a job and my unemployment ends this week. No news in sight for the extensions so I am getting very scared. Some may ask me...well isn't Omar there to help? Well, no. I am not sure what is going on with him. He went back to his old ways and I feel I made the worse decision of my life by canceling the divorce. It all would have been over by now and I hurt all over again.

I know I am partially depressed because I sleep later than I used to. I try to stay busy but in the back of my mind I worry so much for our future. It is not just about myself that I worry about, it is about my girls. I feel as if I have let them down. No money to bring in to help them for their needs and honestly, the last thing I want to do is go back on cash aid. All I want is a job, a job to support my family and kids. Why is it so hard to ask for?

I went to an interview today. Probably the toughest interview I have ever had. I was interviewed by three people and I thought it was going pretty well until the end. Kerri says not to worry about it, that they still may call. At the end, the main guy hiring came back into his office where the other employee was telling me about the position. Well, when he came back in he said, I think I have everything I need. Then, he said, well thank you for coming in today, we are done here. The exit is blah blah...and I tried to shake his hand...was a very weak handshake and then he said, we will be in touch. It is the weak handshake that worries me. It was firm when I first met him...but I swear I did the best that I could in this interview. I guess I did something wrong. Seems to be a reoccurring event in my life as of lately.

As for Omar, he won't return my calls, is avoiding even talking to me and when I did get a hold of him the other day he was very rude to me. Then get this, on my way to my interview today, I look in my driver side mirror and see a Ford Ranger-white-coming in the fast lane. At first I thought nothing of it until it got closer. Well...I thought...no it couldn't be. It is almost 2. He is suppose to be at work at 1:30. However, the person was speeding fast. So I decided when they drove by I would take a closer look. Well, sure enough...it was him!!! I honked at him and he completely ignored me. I did not have the time to even follow him, I had other important things besides him...so maybe that very statement is what God is trying to tell me. To ignore him because there are other things that are more important.

I do not know where I go from here or how things will go. I pray that we survive is all. I refuse to be homeless. It would kill me inside for that to happen all over again.