There comes a time when I have to realize to myself, "Is this really worth it?" It is so easy to say and believe yes and then believe no that my mind goes around in circles and tries to defunct that situation until I actually over analyze things. And while my life is still a small shamble, no job and unemployment runs out this month, it is my duty and duty alone to protect my two kids.

I mentioned in my last blog about the job, I am guessing a no go on that one. Eh, I guess I gotta keep on pushing. It seems to me that I get the looks for my resume and cover letter, but I did something right this time to get a second interview...but something went wrong in the second interview. It was apparent at the end, I only wish I knew what I did wrong.

The other thing I mentioned was about my current husband. I ran into him on the highway and he did not see me. Well, his day with the girls is Thursday now and I go to wait for him to see what is going on at his house. I call his cell, it rings but no answer. I leave a message stating that I'm waiting for him, etc. I call back 10 minutes later as he is still not there and no answer, the stupid cell rings for Mexico!!! I swear, my blood pressure rose at that very moment. I'm thinking, he went over to Mexico. I decide to take the girls to the front door, I need to know what is going on. When I get up there, his cousin and grandpa are there along with two other people. Well, I asked his cousin if she knew where Omar was. She said, I am sorry I don't. I have not seen him for a few days. And I said, do you know what happened? She said, I really don't, I just know that he isn't here and his stuff isn't here anymore. He must have moved in with his mom in Mexico and is going to telecommute. I asked, when did this occur. She also did not know. I asked her to have Nena call me because he was suppose to watch the girls and she said she would tell her...but of course no phone call from Nena. Instead, I walked away like my life was just shattered from under my feet. I felt so light headed and when I got the girls into the car and I finally sat down, I cried.

I cried for the loss of the life I felt, I felt like he abandoned us and there was no way for me to even contact him. I felt screwed over in so many ways. I asked Kerri if I could come over because I did not want to be alone---and as I finally got to her house, I tried one more time to call. It rang to the U.S. And then, he picked up. He goes, hey steph. I think I stood a little shocked and the first thing that came out of my mouth was...Omar what is going on? He actually says to me, what do you mean? I said, well your family just told me you moved to Mexico. Is this true? And he goes, yes. I asked when...then he stated Tuesday. After that it was a mad rush to tell me what happened.

I listened, but my heart sank more. Now things are ten times worse and harder than they were before. And I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I have enough strength and faith to hold on and understand what he needs. I don't know if my heart can take it. The pain..and the fear of loosing it all over again. My heart breaks and hurts...I want him to hold me but yet I want to push him away. How could he...how could he hurt me like this...and then the girls. I think of them, oh gosh this is not good I think. I literally hate Mexico...I hate it!!

And now...on top of a mess that I can't seem to get out of, I have to deal with this. I don't know if prayer can make me strong enough for this. I don't even think I want this. I want a family, not a shamble of a family. From here....at this point...all I see is a steep incline with jagged edges. I'm with my bare feet and hands and if I do decide to climb it, there is too much pain and I am not sure if I will make it.