If life was a box of chocolates that we never knew what we received, at least it would be sweet and maybe a little crunchy. However, as of right now I do not see life as so sweet. In fact, it is as if the last few weeks of my life have fallen apart in just a week and a half. I've watched myself go from the happiest moments, my kids happy once again...to my daughter not speaking of her father, my heart aching and my toddler crying for her father. A repeat of Elizabeth all over again. It's like I stand in the wind...waiting for the moment when it will carry me away and yet, I stand there all alone.

I feel foolish for hoping for something that is and may never have been. One of my friends said...you want him to be what you remember him to be. So very right...and I saw that, but in one sad moment that flash was gone. All there is left is a cup full of hate in the words that are spoken to me and I shield my heart from the pain. i know what I have to do...and this time I can't turn back. He has lost us, at least me, forever. I don't know if Elizabeth will fully let him back in, she is not a little girl anymore and remembers this is the second time he has abandoned her. Bella is still young, at least she has me because she was closer to me. My heart still breaks for them...never to know their father a part of their lives cause as he told me last time I saw him, "Omar, when is the next time you will see the girls?" His reply, "Right now, NEVER." The words stung me as he said them and again I'm reminded of the wind...I look so far away in the distance wanting him back, but wanting the person who he used to be. The man I fell in love with is no longer there. I do not know this man, I do not know who he has become.  I fear for his future, but he only sees red and Lord, please forgive me, but I want to be happy and one day have more kids. I cannot stay in this marriage and I'm sad to say that I ever canceled it. I just burned myself all over and allowed it to happen. Love is for everything it is worth...so very blind.

While I hurt right now...and my heart bleeds for my family and friends, I know one day it will stop. I will move on, one day at a time. I know I tried one more time, but sometimes even love is not enough for the ones with the biggest of hearts. Lord, hold me now as I cry into your arms. Wipe my tears away and tell me everything will be okay. I need your love and patience more then ever as I turn myself back from two to one and start over once again. May your wings bring me higher than ever before and I finally bask in your golden sun.