Sometimes in my life I wonder if there was another direction I could take or something I could have said differently to change the outcome. Never did I think in a million years that things would have turned out horrible on Sunday. I can't change the series of events that led up to the conversation that he blew up at me for....but I also don't regret asking because now I know where I stand. I mean nothing to him and never will. As for the girls, maybe somewhere deep down he does care for them, but he has a hard way of showing it. It is apparent that we are not a priority and will not be for some time. I refuse to take the verbal abuse from him any longer--and I'm tired of him cursing me out and so where I go from here I don't know. I just know that my journey is going to be lonely for a little while. I should have known all along, however, love is blind.

You know, all I ever wanted was for someone to love me. I searched in all the wrong places hoping for anything to ease my pain. The lies of my mom and the life I knew...I could never be the daughter my father wanted me to be. He has his favorite daughter and my mom has hers. That left me no place or room for me. I felt like an outcast, no one to love. Always the odd ball out and if I even tried to be myself...no one wanted me even more. I'm not asking for pitty, I am just asking for understanding. I've always gone at this alone, never wanted to ever go back to my family and ask for help. Too strong for that or maybe pride. Maybe it is trust and abandonment or a combination of both. I just know that the journey back home would not and will not ever be an easy one. I am not ready for that by any stretch of the imagination.

When I look at my daughters, I think that I made this journey and took it with the expectation of having another join with me and help me through it. As time went, I realized even though that person was with me, I could not count on them. At first I wondered why God gave me these two children when I was left alone to take care of them.....and then one night it came to me. They weren't for him, they were to save me. I think a great part of him never really wanted kids or if he did, once he had them he realized he didn't. However, it was the opposite for me. I was not ready for them, but God had other plans. I never imagined how much I would love them and while Bella came at a time when we were really hurting, she healed me in more ways than I could have imagined. Sometimes I am ashamed to admit that I wanted to give her up for adoption...but not for selfish reasons. It was because I loved her so much that I wanted her to have a better life--therefore I wanted so much more for her. Omar would not, and so I was sad to bring a child into the mess she came into. God healed that though, and she loved me unconditionally. Still does to this day and now that Elizabeth has been with me for the more time being, she is not as close to her dad as she used to be. She still loves him, but the fact of him not coming around has taken the toll on her.

When I asked for help with the girls, it appears that he only cares about his time in Mexico or his own time off. The needs of his children do not come first and therefore, I do not know where this journey will lead me. All I know at this point is that I need to focus on myself, God and the things I was working on before he came back into my life. I need to get myself back together and be stronger for when he tries to break me down again----this way, next time the wall won't break down.