•9:20 PM
Last Friday was the worst day so far in this marriage. I remember being so mad that I walked all the way from the court house to E-street and didn't even realize it. Crying and explaining to Kerrie the situation. The lies he told, he was so angry and even then it made me think...did I make up my own story and believe it? I've never known myself to turn things around and if I do something wrong I am the first to admit it and take the blame. But how can two people have a completely different view of five years? It just doesn't make sense to me.
Anyway, the mediator was not the nicest of nice people. She was all for my husband and I guess in a way she had a right to be but she would not listen to what I wanted. When I would even ask for the days I wanted, she threatened to tell the judge that I was not cooperating with her and she said there is a good chance he would take custody away from me. So I got scared. She agreed to let Omar take the girls on Sunday, it broke my heart. I love the girls so much and at the time thought it was so unfair.
On Sunday when he showed up, our conversation was not so angry. I have no idea what changed in his ways, but when I saw he was actually being nice--I tried to see if I could work things out. We sat and talked for about an hour and a half and he agreed to work on things. Since then it hasn't been easy--and I think I made a mistake last night.
Anyway, we spent Monday together which actually went really well. It was when Tuesday showed up that he started into his old ways of telling me how things should be and shouldn't be. I know a relationship is work but each person has to give a little and then once in awhile bend. He is still very selfish and we got into another argument. I guess what got me in the end is when he asked me not to leave. He said he got scared when he thought I was going to walk away--then why does he act like this?
So everything worked out, but I explained to him that I was going to keep the divorce case open. I am giving him three months to see where he goes from here--I don't expect miracles but I do want to see that he is trying to change his angry ways. Anyway, last night I asked him to come over and well---things went further then I had planned. Not bad, we are married so it is okay in God's eyes. Just the fact that it has been two years and I know I still love him. The bad part was, his adopted mom called at about three in the morning yelling at him because he was with me. I sat down with him and prayed, which I think he was shocked, and then asked him to please stay the rest of the night. The girls would love to see him...to which he did and I have to admit, I loved having him there in the morning next to me.
He scared me though, he left and then I tried to call him to see if everything was okay with him and his adopted mom. He didn't finally answer until around 12 and by then I was thinking he was trying to use me. He sounds so happy now but I don't know. There is so much trust broken from his lies that I wonder if he is really telling the truth and then going from there.
On to another topic....I'm still getting the flashes of lights in my eyes--headaches are less and the dizziness comes and goes--I thought this might be stress related and now even more I know I need to make the appointment that I missed. I'm scared, but I need to lean on God and pray for the best. Either way I know he can heal me, I just have to have faith.
Anyway, the mediator was not the nicest of nice people. She was all for my husband and I guess in a way she had a right to be but she would not listen to what I wanted. When I would even ask for the days I wanted, she threatened to tell the judge that I was not cooperating with her and she said there is a good chance he would take custody away from me. So I got scared. She agreed to let Omar take the girls on Sunday, it broke my heart. I love the girls so much and at the time thought it was so unfair.
On Sunday when he showed up, our conversation was not so angry. I have no idea what changed in his ways, but when I saw he was actually being nice--I tried to see if I could work things out. We sat and talked for about an hour and a half and he agreed to work on things. Since then it hasn't been easy--and I think I made a mistake last night.
Anyway, we spent Monday together which actually went really well. It was when Tuesday showed up that he started into his old ways of telling me how things should be and shouldn't be. I know a relationship is work but each person has to give a little and then once in awhile bend. He is still very selfish and we got into another argument. I guess what got me in the end is when he asked me not to leave. He said he got scared when he thought I was going to walk away--then why does he act like this?
So everything worked out, but I explained to him that I was going to keep the divorce case open. I am giving him three months to see where he goes from here--I don't expect miracles but I do want to see that he is trying to change his angry ways. Anyway, last night I asked him to come over and well---things went further then I had planned. Not bad, we are married so it is okay in God's eyes. Just the fact that it has been two years and I know I still love him. The bad part was, his adopted mom called at about three in the morning yelling at him because he was with me. I sat down with him and prayed, which I think he was shocked, and then asked him to please stay the rest of the night. The girls would love to see him...to which he did and I have to admit, I loved having him there in the morning next to me.
He scared me though, he left and then I tried to call him to see if everything was okay with him and his adopted mom. He didn't finally answer until around 12 and by then I was thinking he was trying to use me. He sounds so happy now but I don't know. There is so much trust broken from his lies that I wonder if he is really telling the truth and then going from there.
On to another topic....I'm still getting the flashes of lights in my eyes--headaches are less and the dizziness comes and goes--I thought this might be stress related and now even more I know I need to make the appointment that I missed. I'm scared, but I need to lean on God and pray for the best. Either way I know he can heal me, I just have to have faith.
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