My life is for the most part, a shamble. I am having the hardest time concentrating and what I don't get is...how can you spend five years with someone only to find out that what you have been living was a complete lie? They lied to your face, lied to the people around you...I don't know. I'm scared, lonely, afraid...and one of the things I was never able to embrace in therapy was being alone. I miss having someone to talk to, I miss the companionship. Though, obviously this is not a good thing for me right now.

When I think about the situation at hand, I get into a depressed mode. I cannot think of anything else, talking about it takes me out of my happy stage and puts me into an emotional roller coaster that I just can't seem to et off of until I sleep. I find myself thinking of the situation, how could he do that, how could he lie...and I cry. I feel so hurt, and then I think of my kids...how he could say they are not theirs and I cheated on him...I cry some more.

While school marches on, I find it hard to concentrate on the things that matter. I take a look at my readings and think, I will not be able to grasp this right now. I tell my academic advisor that I need help, time off and he just tells me I will be charged and that I need to immerse myself in school. I know the chances of me quitting of me actually finishing school...but my mind is a mess right now. I cannot make sense of things and do not understand the world around me. I feel like an out of body experience. I thought this was done, overwith...good-bye. How can he do this to us? Did he not love me or the girls? And I want to scream to the world...How can someone love and yet hate at the same time?

I just want to curl up in bed...cry myself to sleep and think this pain will be overwith tomorrow...I just need to wake up from this dream...but when I wake up...this nightmare is still here and the pain lingers.