So it is time to bring this blog to a more upbeat manor if you ask me. I look back over the last few months of posts (which I do apologize for those that might be following or lurking, but it has been since May!). Anyway, a lot has happened and well--along with my feelings and emotions. Last year I was so not wanting the holidays to come and this year it is so much different. I will be sad to see Christmas go as it has always been one of my favorite holidays as a child. I will be creating a fairly new blog to start a new year--I think it is only befitting and then I will be sharing it with a few friends on facebook if you would like.

I also plan to post pictures if I can, I really don't do too much on facebook with as many comments and followers as most people do, it has been more games for me and I know in three weeks that will all go to the wayside!!! I switched schools as I completed my associates (can you believe that?? Me who used to run away from everything??) and then of course going for my Bachelor's. This will be a nice experience if you ask me, I will highly enjoy it! But it will be another two years of studying, preparing and with the hopes and dreams of a better future for my children and I.

Anyway, it sure doesn't quite feel like Christmas here in California--it is cold but that is pretty much it. Hopefully I can keep things more updated and see how things go. If I don't get back on here and post, here is to wishing everyone a Very Merry Christmas or whatever holiday you participate in!

I've decided to go alone in everything---he says he won't fight me and really that is what I want. I just need to let go. I've been holding on for so long and hoping for a miracle---one that unfortunately, never came. Maybe there was never meant to be a miracle--that I don't know.

My grandma asked me once---do you really want him or do you miss the thought of him? Is it because you miss being a family or because you really feel like you need him? At least, I really wanted to be with him and you know, I will always love him. However, it has more come down to the thought that I miss being a family. Maybe if I had a more supportive group or family then this wouldn't be so hard or bad. Unfortunately, this is another part of my life that is lacking and missing in all those areas. So I'm stuck on both of them. I only ask for prayers to move on and hope that one day---and I really do hope soon because I miss being with someone. I don't want to rush into something, but it sure would be nice if there was someone out there that felt the same way I do. You remember that song with Fievel goes west??

Somewhere out there
Someone one is thinking of me
Somewhere out there
Somewhere
.........dreams
come true....................................................................................

As I sit here, wishing that today did not have to go, I finally realized that sometimes it is the small stuff that matters so much more. I miss my friend and spending time with her--but the Denise that I knew did not drink and today she chose to spend time with us as a friends and not drink. I woke up really early not so sure of myself of what I was going to do with the girls since they had been grounded the night before and I realized, I wanted to get out and do something. I did---and I did just that. We had an Easter Egg hunt, went to church, went to Red Lobster---the treat of my friend---and then went to go see HOP. I haven't had this much fun in such a long time, it made me miss spending time with my loved ones that understanding that I need to take these moments when I can because they are the ones I cherish. I was laughing and I felt like I had my friend back after all these months. I feel lonely at times and I hope she knows how much I care about her, she is like a sister, mother, confidant and I don't want to loose her. But her drinking does bother me but she proved me wrong today.

In so long I have wanted to do things with friends---and today that dream came true. Church was so awesome--I love Pastor Gary's sermon's. And when I left, I felt at peace for the day. She took us to red lobster--her treat and I got to get Lobster---it was so good. And HOP was very cute and she liked it. I'm so glad that she did. I want to make up to her what she did for us today because she didn't have to do that. I will find a way, I know I need to.

But now I sit here not wanting today to end, and not wanting to go back to work tomorrow. I'm left with fond memories of today, wishing for another day like today. I hope she feels like I do and I hope she had just as much fun. I love my munchkins even though I sometimes get agitated with them. I would not change it for anything in the world---for the first time in months I feel as if I am truly blessed and God has blessed us so. I see how far we have come and even though there are still struggles and pain to go through, it is days like these that make me wish for more and long for just another second. I thank you Lord for everything--and making me see just what I have in front of me and for providing me with so much more everyday. It is because of you that we are where we are now---I am forever in your debt. 

When I first moved to California--it was so different then from where I came from. The sites, the sounds, the smells--heck, even the people. I was stuck in a hotel for probably a good two weeks before we found somewhere to go and I rented a room. It was in Bonita, CA and what I loved most about it was the fact that I could always see planes going by--never really heard it but I could always sit by the window and look out over the sky. We were far up on a hill so you could see for miles around. Tiger, my cat...she would roam around on the roof and take a peek. I had always wondered if she would try to actually get out of the room but I was not for sure. This is where I met Omar...he was my roommate. I do miss and long for those days when love was fun and not so painful. We used to sit there at the window between the two rooms and talk to each other, sometimes very late. One of my most fondest memories of us was one night we actually went to the store--bought a blanket and went to the winged park---we laid down on the blanket and cuddled and just looked at the stars. I should have known at the moment that something was odd--his adopted mom called right in the middle of that moment and he said he had to answer it. I told him to just tell her that I was with him and he told me know because he didn't want her to know. I was hurt---but in a way understood and never asked again about it. I enjoyed going to movies with him, talking to him and of course the typical love kissy stuff that I won't talk about here.

But those memories are so long gone. And it hurts so when I think about them. So when does your heart stop hurting and start reaching forward? When will my chest stop aching with some much pain for someone that has no care for how I'm feeling? Or maybe he hurts just as bad as I do, but instead of crying he hides it in anger and pain. It is funny though, how when we are hurting the most we seemed to be the most anger or most set off on things. The littlest tip of the motion can set you off in a frenzy--and sometimes that is what happens. However, I can't stop looking back and wanting that love again---is it him that I want or the love feeling and how do I distinguish between the two? When will I long for the future of someone else without having him in the picture?

There was this guy at work--I like him, but he is so very quiet and aloof. I got up the nerve to ask him to go to a movie and he gave me every excuse in the book and I just finally gave up. It makes me feel like I'll never find anyone. I guess I should not be worried since the divorce is not final--I haven't quite filed but this time there will be no turning back. The clock has been set and the tables have turned.

But tonight I opened the blinds to a full blown window as I sit here at the laptop pouring my heart out and crying...thinking back to a time when love felt so good and didn't hurt so bad. Wishing that I could just for once have that feeling again---reaching back once again when I should be reaching forward.

Drive, drive and drive again. I find that when I drive I'm actually able to focus on things more openly then if I was sitting and meditating. Not that I have ever actually tried to meditate--I'm not quite sure how that would all work out...but anyway--back to my topic at hand. I'm in a huge debate about a lot of things--school, divorce, direction, life. It is all a big mess in my mind and I can't seem to dismantle all of it. When I do one of them, something pushes at the other confusing me even more to the point where I just wish I could get out of my own head. Maybe I honestly think too much and perhaps over analyze every little thing.

Take for instance a co-worker today. He mentioned to me that he was leaving early today and I said, okay that is great, where are you going? He chimes back in a very rude voice--none of your damn business. I'm immediately turned off, guard begins to come up and in my mind I want to say to this coworker--fuck you. Of course, I shut my mouth and say nothing but give him a look of disgust and he says, I'm going to my granddaughters birthday party. Okay...so you had to act like an asshole for that?? I sat down and did not talk to him the whole rest of the day. But then I was fuming inside because I didn't speak my mind. So when does it become acceptable to speak out instead of keeping the feelings inside and blowing up at the person? I think I haven't quite gotten there yet--maybe because when I was a child any thoughts against what my parents said were immediately shut out and I was not allowed to have an opinion. Jist the pissed-off-ness when this happened today. I could have just let this blow off and said screw him...but it festered in me for awhile. I had to take a walk during my break and actually step back and understand--I need to let this go. I can't change him and by me bashing and talking back to him it does no good.

So where does this tie into my title? I think too much and therefore need to just let things be. Trust that no matter what that God will in fact figure out a plan and even though I may not know the exact one, he is there for both of them. While I wish God would tell me the answers, I know he cannot not. Either that or I just have too much crap in my head to listen....maybe I should try that meditation thing. So I drive and drive and think I have come up with a solution but am still weary to act upon that very thought. I think I'm going to ask for full custody and no child support from Omar. I still need to pray--I know this is rough and tumble but I need to. Plus, I'm going to withdrawl from school at this time. I'm not sure of how that will affect my student  loans, but I will for a short time. At least until the divorce is setup again, probably start back up in April or later if I have to. I will have to pay off my balance and that I know. I just have too much going on at this time of my life and need some little peace to take these thoughts and make them into one. Driving is something that really helps with that and hopefully within the next few days a little bit of peace will come my way.

I've decided to start up blogging again. I figure I need the space to write those thoughts that linger in my head and mind each day. I just don't want them posting to facebook and letting all of my people know what is on my mind. In the blogger world, I'm free to be me and not be known as who I am. I need that sometimes, a way to escape from the clutches of myself.

The world if my life is like a soap opera. Not one that I want to really live, but one that I want to try to understand why it is. I know nothing is perfect nor can it be ever perfect. I just need some simblence of knowing that my day to day life is going to be straight and narrow, but with a few twists and turns in the middle. Don't get me wrong, it has been that way but not all the way. Lately, it has been a lot of twists and turns and I'm confused on that part.

Going through the divorce the second time, I feel as if I have more pull in my direction. However, I am not sure of how I should go about this because life takes a little road if you take one direction---but which way do I really want to go. If I take him to court for child support, will he really want to see the kids because he can or because he feels he'll have to pay less child support? Then again, there is the option of just having him sign his rights over to me and no child support, at least he will be out of my life for good. But then I think about the girls. What if what I make will never be enough? I want to buy a home in a few years so that pulls a play on my mind. Plus I think he should have to pay--I was not the only one that made these kids so why is it that I should be the sole supporter? However, I don't want him coming in and out of their lives again. I don't think that is fair--it devistated them once, I don't want to see it again and be the one that has to pick up the pieces.

I wish there was a simplier way to make this decision. Why is it that we can't sit down like civilized people and make this decision---that is what I want, but he wants to throw mean words at me and blame me for everything. Yes, I know I screwed up...but man, don't you realize you did too?? And if you even mention that, the bird flies the coupe! All I can do is pray for peace and hope this answer comes to me soon. I plan to file within the next week or two and could realize use some peace about the decision.

There was once a time when my step father actually punched a hole into the wall of our house. It was drywall, so he must have been really upset to do it. My mom placed this little heart decorative thing over it to hide it, but my sister and I knew it was there. I was not actually in the room when I was there to see if it was really my step dad, for all I know now...it could have been my mom.

If I could give anything right now, it would be to go back in time and be a kid again. I don't like being an adult, I don't like the uncertainty of how people treat you, not knowing what the next day will hold and I look at my children and not knowing that is really lurking in the background. I think I might have made too quick of a decision this past week and it has put me in a bind. At the time I am wondering if I let my emotions get the best of me, which for all of us this does happen at the time. I think this was brewing though, a long awaited thing to the point where I just couldn't take it anymore and made the call. I didn't expect the outcome, or maybe I did because I just wanted a way out. The girls and I have to move by October 5th. I don't know where or how things will go, but I am praying for something. There is nothing I can do though, there is a deeper fear here that I don't want to even say in this blog. I pray please my dear Lord, protect us. I know not what I do and right now I feel very alone because if anything, I wish I could give the girls up to a better home because obviously it is not me that is meant for them. I'm too hot headed at times and it has now put them in a position that I never wanted. I don't know what is the truth right now or the lies, I just am moving and moving along to nothing. So very tired..

You know right before a rainstorm it gets very cloudy and dark. The storm begins to build up and the pressure just gets too immense. Maybe life is like a thunderstorm. It's nice and sunny for awhile but if you let it all build up, eventually it will grow. Grow until the point where it has to crackle and thunder to let people know that something is wrong and it needs to be released. Then with a giant gush and thunder it swirls about it's pain and fury...and then at the end of it all, another sunny day.